This is my life.

I know it's been been months since I have written on this thing last but I figured given recent events in my life I needed to write shit down. I'm not even sure when the last time I wrote on this damn thing. But perhaps writing it down will show me what I have done and where I have gone wrong. First off after what seemed like maybe the third longest relationship I'd been I am no longer with Tyler. After 7 or so months he and I simply grew apart. He started college and I slowly became more important on WoW. (World of Warcraft) Which in the end I guess caused us to grow farther apart. Then shortly after he dumped me and I had started flirting with a guy named Daniel. We RP'd (Role Played) a lot. And well as he and I became closer we fell in love. Though I knew he was under 18 I told him that I would wait for him. And we considered ourselves together. But I'd wait for 2 years before it was actually official. He got me into PvP which in Wow is Player vs Player. Then after a short time of knowing him and talking to him on the phone constantly all night and most of the day. He started school again. He was 17 just so you people don't think I'm a perv. Love is love but I know it was wrong I see that now. He quickly became stressed with school and ROTC And he became less and less involved with WoW. So I barely got to talk to him. Then after sometime of no contact I soon found out the reason he'd been so distant. He had realized that there was a girl in his ROTC class that he liked and she liked him. So after telling me our relationship was ok for the time being I decided to just back off and let him be happy. In my mind his happiness was all that mattered and I know he's still young. And to be honest with him starting school I knew it was a possibility. So I gave him his space and I barely talk to him to this day. But its ok. I guess it's whatever.

But in the mean time he was distant I began to realize that I like one of my friends. His name is Kody and he lives in New York. He's 20 years old. And I have known him for like 3 months. We came to realize that we really liked each other. And we have fallen in love. It was almost like we had known each other longer and it was like it was supposed to happen. On the other hand I have another guy in Virgina that likes me and his name is Matt. He's 22 years old. But I don't know how I feel about him. He says he's in love with me. But I don't know how much longer he's going to be friends with me. He can be a bit clingy at times. Oh and get this there is another guy in California that I kinda like and his name is Jonathan. He says he likes me too. But he has a fiance, I constantly feel like I'm second. Which is understandable but I really don't like the bitch he's engaged to. She cheated on him with her ex and then her ex rubbed it in Jonathan's face. But I don't understand why he's still with her. He even told me he loved me. I never said it till he said it. Though I have been friends with him for close to 4 months. And we always flirted. He said that he would moved to Wichita to be with me. But I am not holding my breath on the whole situation. I really like Kody, More that the rest and I want to be with him. Though I don't understand why Jonathan called me after he'd just been shot. Like he wanted me to be the last person he talked to if he died or something. I was scared I was going to lose a great friend.

And to add to this whole mess a friend of mine for close to 8 months whose name is Dan Smith that lives in New Zealand quit wow. He promised me that we would keep in contact using Skype. And we did for like a month after he quit. But about 2 weeks ago I noticed he just wasn't getting on anymore. And I think he either removed me from his friend's list or something is wrong. I just hope I didn't do anything wrong. I mean I have no clue what's so ever what I would have done wrong. This guy sent me a copy of his book. Like no one else has gotten to see it but me. Because I'm a writer too. And he wanted my opinion and well now I don't know if I'll ever get to give it to him when I finish reading it. He'd make video calls to me and we'd talk for hours on end. About random stuff. He even played his guitar for me on one of the video calls. I just hope that nothing bad has happened to him. He will be greatly missed.

Even with all this people liking me and all you'd think I'd be happy. Well I'm not. I still cry myself to sleep at night. But I think I have realized that Kody might actually be the one. But I know that I have said that in the past. I really believe he's the one. He wants nothing more than for me to be happy. And I want the same for him. He wants to give me a child and have a life with me. He wants to be with me because I am me. I just hate the fact that he lives in New York. Why are all the good ones so far away? That's the only bad thing I can think about with him. I guess other than that he's like the right guy for me in every way. He loves me for me. I just wish he were here because I feel so alone sometimes. I am just getting tired of being in this stupid town with no one. And I just want to be held by Kody. I don't know maybe I'm being weird. But isn't true love supposed to feel something like this? I don't really know because I have only felt it like once and that was so long ago. And even then it was cruelly stolen from me.

On to other news the one person I ever did think I liked that lives near me is now with the one person I'd never wish to see him with. I told him how I felt but I guess it doesn't really matter now. So I guess I have no other choice but to stay out of it and let it go. I mean I have Kody now. I'm happy but I just don't think...Nevermind I guess it doesn't matter what I think. I'm happy I guess if he's happy then let it be. Anyways...I have been depressed lately though sometimes I don't know why even though I have people saying the want to be with me and that they love me I still feel so alone. But I guess that's just because that's how long distant relationships work. You know they are there yet you can't feel them or hold them. I love Kody that's all I have to say. Blah I don't know what else to say. So I think I'm going to end this and go to bed. Good Nite and Blessed Be.

Raven