I really don't know anymore..

A lot has happened since I blogged last...And I'm starting to wonder if I know anything anymore..Nothing has been going right...It all started almost a month and half ago...I thought I was going to be happy and everything was going to work out..But I started dating this guy I have known for 4 years..And well he was my best friend's ex. And so in spite of me trying to be happy I lost her. And was happy for about a month...Then things really started going down hill. He and I started to not get along..All he wanted to do was drink and use drugs..And I was getting depressed because I missed my best friend. And I thought that I had done something wrong because the relationship between he and I didn't work out the way we had hoped. I lost him and then I got my best friend back but things aren't the same between her and I and I really don't think the ever will be.. Even though we decided to make a pact that we would never date each other's exes. But I still feel like some of that trust and closeness is gone. And I really think it's all my fault.

I don't talk to Jonny much these days and it saddens me..But I guess I'll just have to get over the fact that friendships are built and lost everyday..It sucks though. I got my tattoo that I have been wanting for a really long time..It looks great. I finally got to meet Jonny's friend Jodi. We have hung out a few times. I even helped her run her booth yesterday at the Ren fair here in town. But that didn't go the way I thought it would..Well I mean don't get me wrong I had a lot of fun! But about an hour before we were supposed to close up for the day we got rained out..And well I got sick from it..Not to mention my monthly "gift" has been getting worse since I got off the depo. Flowing heavier every time and the cramps are getting worse.. Thankfully it's only lasting for a few days each time but it just sucks really bad. And so I couldn't go work the Ren fair today because I can barely move. Isaac and I had been hanging out for a while and we were having a lot of fun till one night we got into a fight and I got really stupid and cut myself because I thought our friendship was over..And I'm still thinking it is because he doesn't talk to me as much as he did before that night. It sucks and I feel really stupid because I slipped up and cut myself again. I was proud of myself for not doing it for something like 5 years. But I'm fine now..Well I wouldn't call it fine but oh well..I'll get over it. I just feel like my life is going down hill but I guess that's the depression talking. I lost my case management because I didn't take meds, have a therapist, or go to a psychiatrist. But even though I see that as a major improvement people say they think I need to go to therapist because of the depression. But it's something I always get over..I'll live I always do.

So after the night of my stupidity I decided to start writing again because that's the only thing that ever kept me from doing stupid things. So I'm writing a story about a role playing story a friend of mine and I are doing. It's really good. It's about a Kitsune and her Demonic Master. It's awesome..He and I have been doing this for a long time but just recently started doing it again about a year ago. Everything else in my life I suppose is going ok..My parent's are fine..They actually went camping for the first time this year this weekend..And I'm at their house right now..Dog sitting for them since yesterday. They should be home in about 2 hours or less. I think I might actually be ready to go home and just lay in my bed and play wow. Speaking of wow. I now have a lvl 79 Blood Elf Death Knight. And hopefully in the next few days I'll have my first 80. This is the only character I have gotten to lvl 80..It's weird. The other highest character I have is a lvl 72 Undead Warlock. But I think I do better with characters that aren't spell casters.. lol Plus I had a really kick ass guild to help me get this far.. But sadly the guild is starting to fall apart. But I still have some really cool friends on there. Even though some of them are starting to not be able to afford the monthly payment to be able to play. But oh well the show must go on...lol

I recently found out that my father and my step mother are getting a divorce and that he is no longer living in his house. He moved back in with my grandparents. He's trying to get disability. He's doing somewhat better since he was in the hospital. But he's still pretty sick. Diabetes is a bitch. I have been trying well not trying but I have been loosing weight to try to make sure I don't get it...My mom has it, My dad has it, My grandpa has it, and now my brother has it. I really hope that it skipped me. Cause I don't want to have to worry about all that. It's bad enough that my body produces too much insulin and one day it could stop making it all together. I really hope that doesn't happen before I die..It's no laughing matter and I hate having to see my family members go through it. But it's life. Some things happen whether we want them to or not. I lost a lot of weight so far. And I hope I can keep loosing. I want to get back down to where I was when I got out of states custody but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon but I'm working on it. I don't eat as much as I used to and can barely eat the full portions as I used to. Of course I'm hungry more often but oh well sometimes I don't even eat when my body is telling me it's hungry but that's because those are left over cravings. And I'm trying to not give in. I have been walking a lot and that helps. I have lost an entire dress size and the clothes that my mom gave me and the new jeans I just bought are starting to get loose...But I'm not going to go buy new clothes every time I loose more weight. Hopefully I can reach a set weight and keep it there. Or loose more than a set weight. Idk. I am just tired of being fat and alone. lol as shitty as that sounds it's the way I feel..I feel that the only reason I'm alone is because people see me and say oh she's just another fat girl starved for attention. When all reality they should just get over appearances and look at me for who I really am. Most people don't take the time to get to know be because of my weight and I know it. That's why I isolate most of the time. Because I just don't want to go through that rejection. I have had enough of it in my lifetime so far and I hate it. But oh well people are just idiots and I hate most of them. But that's just me. Anyways I think I have ranted enough and blah blah blahed enough so I'm going to say that's that. Till next time blogger..I bid you a due.