This is my life.

I know it's been been months since I have written on this thing last but I figured given recent events in my life I needed to write shit down. I'm not even sure when the last time I wrote on this damn thing. But perhaps writing it down will show me what I have done and where I have gone wrong. First off after what seemed like maybe the third longest relationship I'd been I am no longer with Tyler. After 7 or so months he and I simply grew apart. He started college and I slowly became more important on WoW. (World of Warcraft) Which in the end I guess caused us to grow farther apart. Then shortly after he dumped me and I had started flirting with a guy named Daniel. We RP'd (Role Played) a lot. And well as he and I became closer we fell in love. Though I knew he was under 18 I told him that I would wait for him. And we considered ourselves together. But I'd wait for 2 years before it was actually official. He got me into PvP which in Wow is Player vs Player. Then after a short time of knowing him and talking to him on the phone constantly all night and most of the day. He started school again. He was 17 just so you people don't think I'm a perv. Love is love but I know it was wrong I see that now. He quickly became stressed with school and ROTC And he became less and less involved with WoW. So I barely got to talk to him. Then after sometime of no contact I soon found out the reason he'd been so distant. He had realized that there was a girl in his ROTC class that he liked and she liked him. So after telling me our relationship was ok for the time being I decided to just back off and let him be happy. In my mind his happiness was all that mattered and I know he's still young. And to be honest with him starting school I knew it was a possibility. So I gave him his space and I barely talk to him to this day. But its ok. I guess it's whatever.

But in the mean time he was distant I began to realize that I like one of my friends. His name is Kody and he lives in New York. He's 20 years old. And I have known him for like 3 months. We came to realize that we really liked each other. And we have fallen in love. It was almost like we had known each other longer and it was like it was supposed to happen. On the other hand I have another guy in Virgina that likes me and his name is Matt. He's 22 years old. But I don't know how I feel about him. He says he's in love with me. But I don't know how much longer he's going to be friends with me. He can be a bit clingy at times. Oh and get this there is another guy in California that I kinda like and his name is Jonathan. He says he likes me too. But he has a fiance, I constantly feel like I'm second. Which is understandable but I really don't like the bitch he's engaged to. She cheated on him with her ex and then her ex rubbed it in Jonathan's face. But I don't understand why he's still with her. He even told me he loved me. I never said it till he said it. Though I have been friends with him for close to 4 months. And we always flirted. He said that he would moved to Wichita to be with me. But I am not holding my breath on the whole situation. I really like Kody, More that the rest and I want to be with him. Though I don't understand why Jonathan called me after he'd just been shot. Like he wanted me to be the last person he talked to if he died or something. I was scared I was going to lose a great friend.

And to add to this whole mess a friend of mine for close to 8 months whose name is Dan Smith that lives in New Zealand quit wow. He promised me that we would keep in contact using Skype. And we did for like a month after he quit. But about 2 weeks ago I noticed he just wasn't getting on anymore. And I think he either removed me from his friend's list or something is wrong. I just hope I didn't do anything wrong. I mean I have no clue what's so ever what I would have done wrong. This guy sent me a copy of his book. Like no one else has gotten to see it but me. Because I'm a writer too. And he wanted my opinion and well now I don't know if I'll ever get to give it to him when I finish reading it. He'd make video calls to me and we'd talk for hours on end. About random stuff. He even played his guitar for me on one of the video calls. I just hope that nothing bad has happened to him. He will be greatly missed.

Even with all this people liking me and all you'd think I'd be happy. Well I'm not. I still cry myself to sleep at night. But I think I have realized that Kody might actually be the one. But I know that I have said that in the past. I really believe he's the one. He wants nothing more than for me to be happy. And I want the same for him. He wants to give me a child and have a life with me. He wants to be with me because I am me. I just hate the fact that he lives in New York. Why are all the good ones so far away? That's the only bad thing I can think about with him. I guess other than that he's like the right guy for me in every way. He loves me for me. I just wish he were here because I feel so alone sometimes. I am just getting tired of being in this stupid town with no one. And I just want to be held by Kody. I don't know maybe I'm being weird. But isn't true love supposed to feel something like this? I don't really know because I have only felt it like once and that was so long ago. And even then it was cruelly stolen from me.

On to other news the one person I ever did think I liked that lives near me is now with the one person I'd never wish to see him with. I told him how I felt but I guess it doesn't really matter now. So I guess I have no other choice but to stay out of it and let it go. I mean I have Kody now. I'm happy but I just don't think...Nevermind I guess it doesn't matter what I think. I'm happy I guess if he's happy then let it be. Anyways...I have been depressed lately though sometimes I don't know why even though I have people saying the want to be with me and that they love me I still feel so alone. But I guess that's just because that's how long distant relationships work. You know they are there yet you can't feel them or hold them. I love Kody that's all I have to say. Blah I don't know what else to say. So I think I'm going to end this and go to bed. Good Nite and Blessed Be.

Raven

I really don't know anymore..

A lot has happened since I blogged last...And I'm starting to wonder if I know anything anymore..Nothing has been going right...It all started almost a month and half ago...I thought I was going to be happy and everything was going to work out..But I started dating this guy I have known for 4 years..And well he was my best friend's ex. And so in spite of me trying to be happy I lost her. And was happy for about a month...Then things really started going down hill. He and I started to not get along..All he wanted to do was drink and use drugs..And I was getting depressed because I missed my best friend. And I thought that I had done something wrong because the relationship between he and I didn't work out the way we had hoped. I lost him and then I got my best friend back but things aren't the same between her and I and I really don't think the ever will be.. Even though we decided to make a pact that we would never date each other's exes. But I still feel like some of that trust and closeness is gone. And I really think it's all my fault.

I don't talk to Jonny much these days and it saddens me..But I guess I'll just have to get over the fact that friendships are built and lost everyday..It sucks though. I got my tattoo that I have been wanting for a really long time..It looks great. I finally got to meet Jonny's friend Jodi. We have hung out a few times. I even helped her run her booth yesterday at the Ren fair here in town. But that didn't go the way I thought it would..Well I mean don't get me wrong I had a lot of fun! But about an hour before we were supposed to close up for the day we got rained out..And well I got sick from it..Not to mention my monthly "gift" has been getting worse since I got off the depo. Flowing heavier every time and the cramps are getting worse.. Thankfully it's only lasting for a few days each time but it just sucks really bad. And so I couldn't go work the Ren fair today because I can barely move. Isaac and I had been hanging out for a while and we were having a lot of fun till one night we got into a fight and I got really stupid and cut myself because I thought our friendship was over..And I'm still thinking it is because he doesn't talk to me as much as he did before that night. It sucks and I feel really stupid because I slipped up and cut myself again. I was proud of myself for not doing it for something like 5 years. But I'm fine now..Well I wouldn't call it fine but oh well..I'll get over it. I just feel like my life is going down hill but I guess that's the depression talking. I lost my case management because I didn't take meds, have a therapist, or go to a psychiatrist. But even though I see that as a major improvement people say they think I need to go to therapist because of the depression. But it's something I always get over..I'll live I always do.

So after the night of my stupidity I decided to start writing again because that's the only thing that ever kept me from doing stupid things. So I'm writing a story about a role playing story a friend of mine and I are doing. It's really good. It's about a Kitsune and her Demonic Master. It's awesome..He and I have been doing this for a long time but just recently started doing it again about a year ago. Everything else in my life I suppose is going ok..My parent's are fine..They actually went camping for the first time this year this weekend..And I'm at their house right now..Dog sitting for them since yesterday. They should be home in about 2 hours or less. I think I might actually be ready to go home and just lay in my bed and play wow. Speaking of wow. I now have a lvl 79 Blood Elf Death Knight. And hopefully in the next few days I'll have my first 80. This is the only character I have gotten to lvl 80..It's weird. The other highest character I have is a lvl 72 Undead Warlock. But I think I do better with characters that aren't spell casters.. lol Plus I had a really kick ass guild to help me get this far.. But sadly the guild is starting to fall apart. But I still have some really cool friends on there. Even though some of them are starting to not be able to afford the monthly payment to be able to play. But oh well the show must go on...lol

I recently found out that my father and my step mother are getting a divorce and that he is no longer living in his house. He moved back in with my grandparents. He's trying to get disability. He's doing somewhat better since he was in the hospital. But he's still pretty sick. Diabetes is a bitch. I have been trying well not trying but I have been loosing weight to try to make sure I don't get it...My mom has it, My dad has it, My grandpa has it, and now my brother has it. I really hope that it skipped me. Cause I don't want to have to worry about all that. It's bad enough that my body produces too much insulin and one day it could stop making it all together. I really hope that doesn't happen before I die..It's no laughing matter and I hate having to see my family members go through it. But it's life. Some things happen whether we want them to or not. I lost a lot of weight so far. And I hope I can keep loosing. I want to get back down to where I was when I got out of states custody but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon but I'm working on it. I don't eat as much as I used to and can barely eat the full portions as I used to. Of course I'm hungry more often but oh well sometimes I don't even eat when my body is telling me it's hungry but that's because those are left over cravings. And I'm trying to not give in. I have been walking a lot and that helps. I have lost an entire dress size and the clothes that my mom gave me and the new jeans I just bought are starting to get loose...But I'm not going to go buy new clothes every time I loose more weight. Hopefully I can reach a set weight and keep it there. Or loose more than a set weight. Idk. I am just tired of being fat and alone. lol as shitty as that sounds it's the way I feel..I feel that the only reason I'm alone is because people see me and say oh she's just another fat girl starved for attention. When all reality they should just get over appearances and look at me for who I really am. Most people don't take the time to get to know be because of my weight and I know it. That's why I isolate most of the time. Because I just don't want to go through that rejection. I have had enough of it in my lifetime so far and I hate it. But oh well people are just idiots and I hate most of them. But that's just me. Anyways I think I have ranted enough and blah blah blahed enough so I'm going to say that's that. Till next time blogger..I bid you a due.

Update for the new year 2010

Hey peoples what's up. Omg it's a new year. And with a new year comes with new things to experience and new things to try. So far not a whole lot has changed. Except I met an amazing new guy. Not like that people. He's and awesome guy and he's a new friend. He's going to help me become a better person. His name is Jonny. He's like me in a way and I'm glad I met him. It was almost like it was supposed to happen in a way. Lol

Neko is still fat and as happy as ever. She will be 2 years old in August. And I still lover her dearly. I think for this year I am going to try to be happier with myself and try to put myself out there a little bit more than I have been. Try to get out there and explore the world. Valentines day is coming up and once again I know I am going to be alone but I will just have to deal with it. I always have and always will I guess. I was thinking about going to school to be a phlebotomist but I am not sure that is going to happen now. I think I might be wanting to get a job but not sure that's going to happen either. Even though I am garenteeed a position at Dilions. My step mother knows the manager and she said she would help me get a job there. But I am not sure when that is going to happen. I already put in my application and all that so all I need to do now is get ready for it.

Breakthrough is going to be having a dance on the 10th for Valentine's day and I think this year I'll be attending in all Black because I am starting to get tired of it. So I am protesting this year. Lol Ok I have been protesting that day for almost my entire life. The only person who has ever gotten me anything for that day is my mom and step mom. And they don't even do that anymore but oh well they can't do it anymore...I really wish that in a year or two I can finally get to celebrate it with someone I care about. On the 10th I might be getting to spend that day with Jonny. Hopefully he'll come to the dance.

Damn I think I ran out of things to talk about. But oh well it's ok I'll just go for now then. So I will hopefully talk to you people later.