My life sucks!

I wish that I could go and hang out with people that are supposedly my friends. But no instead I always have to fucking be stuck in this prison I call my apartment. I know I go out and do things with breakthrough but that's not really going out and hanging out. I just got a phone call from some people I thought were my friends and they were all at another friends house hanging out and getting drunk. I hate that I have only had like 5 or 6 beers since I turned 21 I thought that when you become 21 you can drink anytime you wanted to. I drank more before I turned 21 and I feel like that is bullshit. It seems to me that I had a lot more fun before I turned 21 like I'm no good anymore or some shit like that. I really hate my life right now. I can't do shit because I don't have a car and I can't afford one. I feel like I will never have any time to hang out with people or people don't want to hang out with me because I don't have a car which means I can't take myself anywhere I am really getting sick and tired of having to rely on my mom or my step mom if I want to go anywhere and I am sure as hell sick and fucking tired of always having to ride the bus like some stupid poor person. I hate the way my life has turned out. I think I see more of my four walls than anyone does and I hate it! I guess I just don't have a life. Nothing interesting ever happens in my life. I cry too damn much and when I complain to my mom about how fucking bored I am she just tells me to go and put myself out there and try to make friends. Well I can't do it. I have been hurt so many times in the past and I really don't want to go and put myself out there and get hurt or used. I just wish that my life amounted to something more than a fucking lazy slum sitting on the couch every night. I just wish that somehow if I can't find anything to do with anyone maybe I should find something to occupy myself with I guess. Maybe find a job at night so I don't have to deal with the world during the day. As it is my sleeping schedule is never right and I'm always up late at night trying to find something do to because I have nothing better to do. And I can't sleep. I am on the computer almost every night so I feel like I have done everything I can think of online. So I have no fucking clue. Sitting or rather laying for me in front of the computer playing games is getting rather old and there is nothing I can do about it cause I never have anything better to do. And I hate it when people I think are my friends call me in the middle of the night and they are having way more fun than I am. Daniel told me he was going to a strip club tonight and I told him that I wish I could go but when I have money no one else does so they can't go I really would like to get to experience going to a fucking strip club just so I could say I've been to one but I really don't see that happening anytime soon. I guess I just wish that I could be doing things other people my age are doing but instead I am locked away in my apartment cause I have no means of doing those things. I have been 21 for almost a year now I'll be 22 in July and still I have not been to a bar. I haven't gone out and hung out with anyone drinking a few beers. I just really fucking hate how boring my life is I guess. But whatever I know it will never change. Just like I know that I will never get married or have kids but that I have already come to terms with. So whatever I guess G'Nite if I can get to sleep. Until the next time I post about my shitty life G'Bye

Just when I thought things couldn't get worse.

A few weeks ago I found out that my Great Aunt was dying. Three days later we had the funeral. I just felt lost and trapped in this world that wasn't mine anymore. We went to the funeral and I just broke down. I felt like that wasn't my family anymore. Like I didn't fit in. I broke down and started crying and it was like the tears would never stop. My brother was a pall bear but the other family didn't let him do his job so that upset him I'm sure. I sat next to my father and grandmother. For the first time in well 21 years I felt loved by my father. When we went to the cemetery I was told by my mother not to expect to get a rose to put on her coffin and I was surprised when my Aunt gave me one. I started to cry more and then I kissed the rose and put it on her coffin. Then I went and kissed my cousin's grave. Afterwards to my surprise my father and his wife offered to take me my brother and his boyfriend out for lunch. I had a good time. My Aunt and Uncle drove in from Virgina or something like that. I hadn't seen either of them or their kids for 10 years. So it was great. But then we had to leave and I really didn't want to.


Then Sunday night I get a text from my step mom saying not to freak out that my mother is in the ER. So about 3-4 hours later I get another text saying that she has been admitted. So I'm starting to freak out. Cause when someone tells me not to freak out I do the exact opposite. I swear and I don't know why. So I had been getting periodic texts from my step mom about her condition then about 6:30 in the morning on Monday I decide that I'm going to go to the gas station down the street and try to get her some flowers to take to her. Well when I got there they tell me they don't sell flowers anymore so they told me to go to the drug store down on Hillside and Central. So I'm like ok. I didn't want to wait another 30 minutes for the bus so I just start walking. From my house on Central and Edgemore to Central and Hillside is a long walk which I later found out is like a mile and a half. So I keep telling myself I can do this. To my surprise I could do it. I left my house at 6:30 and at 7am I was 2 blocks from Hillside. So I was shocked that it had only taken my 30minutes to get there. So when I got to Walgreen's I bought a huge bottle of water and a vase with two roses in it then I had to go across the street to wait for the bus. So then when I got on the bus I rode it down to the street the hospital is on and then walked over from Central which was like 2 or 3 blocks. So now I'm sore. But oh well for my mother I'm sure I would do anything to be with her. Then when I got to the hospital my step mother had told me the wrong room so I got lost then when I found the right room I hugged my mother gently since she was in pain. I felt really helpless seeing her laying in the hospital bet in pain. But I knew there wasn't anything I could really do. So I just sat down and just tried to let her know that I was there for her. I was there from like 8:30 to 2:30 starting to get angry because it seemed like they weren't really doing anything for her. When I left at 2:30 I really didn't want to go. I started crying because I didn't want to leave her there but I was really tired because I'd been up since 2pm on Sunday. So I had to walk back to Central to try to catch the bus. But by the time I had made it to Central I had already missed 3 buses so I was pretty pissed. But then after crossing the street like a half a dozen times I finally decided that whichever bus came first is where I would be going so the one that was going to the bus station came first so I was going to go to Breakthrough. I had to get another bus card. So when I got to the bus station to my painful surprise someone was there that I hate. This chick that beat me up when I took my stuff back from her when we were in states custody. She's the most disgusting person I've ever met but this is not the time or place to discuss how much she makes me want to throw up and cut out my eyes. So anyway I was pissed when she got on the bus I was going to get on and while I was waiting for the bus I could hear her behind me talking to someone about me. Talking trash as usual. So I knew that there was another bus that would take me to Breakthrough so I got on that one instead. I went to Breakthrough and I tried to get a bus card but the person I was talking to said that they didn't have any. So I was like this was a waste of a bus card. But I finally found Bob who runs the snack bar and is in charge of all the bus cards and he gave me one. Then I needed to find someone to take me home because I really didn't feel like walking much more. I talked to a few people about my mom being in the hospital and they told me not to worry so much that they are sure everything will be ok. Well ok so my VR case manager took me home. When I got home I kept fading in and out on the couch. I was laterally running on empty. But then I heard that my brother was going to go see my mom at the hospital and I was like I want to go back so that way I would be there before she went into surgery but about 30 minutes before I was going to have to walk to by brother's work we learned that she was being taken to surgery so my brother didn't get off till 7 so we wouldn't be able to see her before she went in so there really wasn't any reason to go. So I guess I fell asleep for about 30 minutes and I woke up at like 7 and have been up since. I don't know why I am wide awake now. So my mom is out of surgery and recovery and is probably now sleeping. So I'm happy that she is ok. They removed her appendix. I am just so relieved that she is ok. I don't know what I would have done had something went wrong. But if things keep getting better she might be able to eat breakfast this morning and then she might be able to go home later tonight. Which would be great. She hasn't eaten anything cept ice chips that I am aware of since Sunday night so I'm sure she is hungry. She's been on an IV though.

Well other than that not a whole lot has been going on. I got my hair cut and I dyed it black again. It wasn't really the cut I wanted but I think this is way cuter than what I wanted. I think it's a pixie cut but my brother doesn't...Oh well. Tomorrow is St. Patricks day so if everything goes well with my mom I will be dressing up in my green and black outfit and going to Breakthrough. Everyone thinks I look like a leprechaun though. Well yet again it's very late or should I say very early in the morning and I am still awake....I wonder if I could get maybe a few Z's but I doubt it. G'Nite all.