>.<

Ok I am not even sure people read this damn thing anymore but I feel the need to type so I guess I will type here. First off things aren't really going the way I want them in life. I had a really bad scare with my father and it was very nerve racking! He was sent to the hospital because his body was dangerously retaining water and it was pooling around his heart and lungs. So he's been in the hospital for almost a month now. Then there was the drama that happened when we went to go see him....He's in Joplin MO. So we had to drive a long while to get there and since all 5 of us went we had to rent a van. Saturday will be our 3rd visit. When the medivaced him they had to put him on a ventalator and so he had that in for a while. Then they took that out and put in a trache. He coughed both up and since the trache was put in via surgory they had to put him back into the ER to put it back in but the DR. said he is doing a lot better now. And they say that he might be able to go home soon. If he continues to do well. Which I don't think that will be a problem. They are thinking about putting him in his own room soon. But all the bull shit that went on the last time I am glad my aunt is no longer there because she was acting all power hungry! And it drove people insane. But needless to say I am just really happy that he is doing so much better.

But in other news I am back to being a lone again...Well wait what am I saying? I have been alone for the past 2 years...I feel as though it's going to be permanant but people keep telling me that I am just being rediculous for thinking that...And I am really getting tired of hearing that..I have come to the terrorfying fact that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life so I am going to stop saying that I have realized it so people will stop telling me I am be rediculous. I am pathetic in a way because there is this guy that I have liked for the past 3 years and I know he will never go out with me but I keep putting myself in the position to get angry when I get jealous because some other girl is hanging all over here. I really just need to face the fact that he and no one else will ever want me! As painful as it is I have to face that reality! I hardly have any friends and that is something else I need to realize will never change. I have very few and I guess that's all I deserve.....Speaking of deserving I feel like somehow I am being punished for doing something I have no clue what...That I am being punished so I will never find love...Hell if I know...I am really getting tired of people saying that I have to love myself first also...Because what the fuck do I have to do marry myself then wait and see if a guy comes along? I like myself just the way I am and I don't see what else I can do to change that. I don't know how else to love myself. I have confindence I just don't know what the hell to do with it...It still won't matter I'll still be alone....Forever and always I guess....*sigh* I really don't know what else to say really I guess I am just "sitting on my pitty potty" as my mother would put it I suppose....I guess in the sum of things I could just say my life sucks...And there is nothing I can do about it...Well I guess I am done now...I have nothing else to complain about cept my life and well I've done that now...So G'Bye


~Raven~

I hate my life

I am really hating my life right now. I wish I had more friends. The ones I have seem to only be my friends at breakthrough. No one wants to hang out with me out side breakthrough. And what is the point of having a brother if he hardly ever wants to hang out with me? I have two friends with cars and they never want to hang out with me. And the other two don't have cars. One only wants me to go to her house cause she has a kid and can't do much more. One just doesn't want to hang out with me at all it seems. I go to my parent's house only on the weekends it feels and they are always too tired or don't want to go anywhere. Three of my four friends tell me we should all hang out and it never happens. The normal 22 year old is out having fun and parting on a friday night and as usual I am always stuck at home staring at my walls or the tv. I am 22 years old and I have never been to a party. I have only been to a club once and it sucked cause all I did was sit and watch the people I was with have fun dancing and I couldn't even drink at the time. I have never been to a bar and I just think my life sucks because I drank more and had more fun before I turned 21. I know that drinking isn't everything but having fun once in a while would be nice. When I do get to hang out with my brothers it always makes me feel like I'm a burden cause then they have to drive me almost across town just to take me home. I wish I could just get a job and work all the time since I clearly don't have time to do anything else. But I am either too stupid or too lazy to get a job and keep it. No one wants to hire me cause I don't have either transportation or enough experience. I hate the fact that I can only do stuff during the day and even then I don't want to do anything cause I am tired of doing things on my own. My mom thinks I need to go back to theripy because I'm always feeling sorry for myself. Well it won't work and I know it because when I went before it never worked. What is benificial about sitting on a couch letting someone else listen to my problems? I mean the advice they give isn't always helpful. And I am sick and tired of my mom telling me I am just feeling sorry for myself when I am just depressed! And there is no way I am going back on anti-depressants because they just made almost zombie like and I hated it cause you never get to feel anything. Except false happiness. Which isn't all that healthy. I have been alone for 2 years now and I am really starting to feel that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life because no one wants to have anything to do with me. I just don't know what is wrong with me. People keep telling me that I am pretty and that I will meet someone but I know that is all just bullshit. I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is a fat ugly bitch staring back. I can't seem to do anything to change it. I will never loose weight because excersize doesn't help. Eating healthy doesn't help and even if I were to loose weight I would still have really big hands and feet and really broad shoulders. Then I will just look even more stupid. And no one will help me. I want the gastric bypass surgeory but I doubt that will ever happen. People tell me I am intimidating because I'm taller than most girls and I hate it. I just want to be normal whatever normal is. I'm tired of being alone!

So....It's 5am again.

It's 5am yet again and here I am still awake. No surprise I'm sure. I can't think of anything else to do and since I haven't blogged since the 11th I thought maybe I could give those of you who actually read this an update on my life. I turned 22 on the 22nd of this month and I must say that I really don't feel any different which is probably normal. I recently went to renew my drivers license and with the help of my parents I passed the renewal test and got my new drivers license. I must say even though the picture on it looks horrible it certainly looks better than the one I took when I was 17. Even the person that took my picture agreed. She even said that I had lost some weight since then. Which I am glad that I had since that was 5 years ago in April. Although I still really don't see the point in renewing it since no one has let me drive since 2005, But the point still remains well pointless if you ask me. But my mother forced me to get it saying "It's better to have it than not" Plus she wanted me to renew it before my birthday that way I wouldn't have to retake the driving part which in my mind probably wouldn't have been all that bad then I could have refreshed my memory and then still known how to drive. I am not saying I don't know how to drive it's just I haven't had that much experience behind the wheel of a car thanks to my parents who said they would continue to teach me by letting me drive but never the less they did not keep that promise but oh well it's all in the past now and seeing as I am never going to be able to afford a car I really don't see the point in talking about something that is pointless to begin with. So I guess that when my mother says drop the subject I have no other choice but to drop it. So ok consider the topic dropped. I have to face the fact that no one is ever going to get me a car and I will never be able to afford a car. And seeing as I don't really have the kind of family to just leave me a car none the less give me a car for no reason that subject can be dropped as well I'm sure. On to other things. I decided to treat myself with some things that I have been wanting for a while and chose to buy them online. Two of the four different packages have been delivered however I had to reorder the two shirts that I bought because they did not fit me. But they should be on their way soon. The other two I'm afraid won't make it cause it's been 3 weeks since I have ordered them and it took them almost 2 weeks to take the money out of my account and then finally they said that they would be shipped. But it concerns me because I have never ordered from the two sites (owned by the same company I might add.) But if they do not come soon I am going to have to call them and I really want to tell them that they should give their customers some way of tracking their orders because then their customers (such as myself) Would be in some sort of ease that their packages are going to actually arrive instead of thinking that they have been ripped off because the site has taken their money and given them no way to track their orders. But that's just me and I suppose I am a bit paranoid. I don't know if I have mentioned this in any of my previous posts but I am trying to go back to school to become a phlebotomist. And to be able to do so I have to pass a test called the compass test. Which includes Reading Writing and Math. I have taken this test 2 times so far and I have failed the math part both times. Math was never really my strong suit and well lets be honest I never really did that well in high school and seeing as I was never actually taught algebra it is all still so very strange to me. Therefore that is why I think I am having a huge problem with the test. I did very well on the writtig part the first time which comes to no surprise since I am a writer but the reading only got me because it was a test where you have to read several paragraphs and then answer a series of questions. I guess the reason I didn't pass that was was because I was getting impatient and was tired of sitting in an uncomfortable chair at a very cramped desk with no room to stretch out and well get comfortable. I am glad that school wasn't like that or I would have never gone. Yes granted I hardly ever went as it was but I still managed to pass. I have my diploma on the wall as prof of that. Lol So back to the reason I brought up the test. I was having problems with the math. So I decided that in order for me to pass it I needed the tutoring I thought I was giving myself. And wow were my eyes opened up! Let me tell you, from the 10 or so minutes I was able to get in on Tuesday I learned some things that I didn't think could be done on a calculator!!! I was all like you can really do that?! And omg I didn't know that! It's amazing what you can learn when someone actually takes the time to show you what can be learned. So I am going back today in fact to get a little more tutoring and then take the test and hopefully pass the damn thing. I'm sure I will be able to if I know how to use the scientific calculator. But then again I really don't know what I will need math for in phlebotomy but if they say I need it I will do it. Lol Who really needs math anyways..Sometimes I think who ever invented 2+2 should be shot but then again people wouldn't know how to give you your change back. But....Then again what are computers for..Lol I don't really know what else to talk about. I guess I could talk about how I think I may have become paranoid. But that should just be kept locked away in my mind. However my mom said that sometimes people with bi polar disorder can sometimes develop paranoia. So maybe. She said that if I were checked out today now that I am an adult that I might have it. Since people under 18 can't have it which is weird you either have it or you don't but they ruled it out when I was younger so who knows I might have it now. I don't even think I have my depression problem anymore but I doubt that goes away with age. But then again maybe I do since I am still very anti-social. But oh well it's not like that really matters. Well since I have run out of things to talk about I guess I should bid my a dues and then just click post. So I bid my few non existent readers a due and I am clicking post now...Bye..Lol

Update

Hello again to those who actually read this thing. Well I just thought that since I haven’t given an update for quit some time perhaps I should.

I spent my 4th of July weekend at the Winfield Lake camping with my family. It was nice till it started to rain and everyone’s tents got flooded. But other than that I had a good time…Yea I wanted to go home after the rain the next morning at first but I decided that since no one was going to drive me all the way back to Wichita I was stuck and should make the best of it. I got a little sun burnt but thankfully it didn’t stick. And I am now alright. We are actually thinking about going camping one more time this summer or what is left of it anyway. I can’t wait I know it will be fun. We are actually considering going to Lake Afton or maybe the one in El Dorado or something I don’t know what my parents have decided yet. I know that there was also talking about inviting my step mother’s parents but I am not a %100 sure about that…I mean they are old and not much fun…Sorry…But that’s how I feel and you know it (Talking to the step mother)

Onto more important things…Lol I mean I am turning 22 in a few short weeks…On the 22nd to be exact. I don’t really know what is going to happen.. I wanted to go see the new Harry Potter movie for my birthday but seeing as my parents aren’t into that sort of thing I will more than likely be going with my brothers only. They want to see it too. In my own celebration for myself I did something I have never done before…Well without the help of my parents and all that. I treated myself to some things I have been wanting for a long time. I ordered some things online. I can’t wait till they get here. I ordered from two different sites from the same company. Lol I got this cute little gothic purse and a quill and some ink. And I finally got the pentacle I wanted. But there was this other pendant that I wanted but I didn’t want to spend all my money. I can get it another time I’m sure. It was this really nice rose pendant. I have been searching for that rose pendant for quite some time. I saw it in a picture and have wanted it ever since and now I know where I can get it I am sure I will get it eventually.

One thing I am hoping to do around my birthday is go see my family. I just don’t think it’s fair that my parent’s get to go see my step mom’s parents once a month and I have to wait a long time before I can go see my family but that’s ok I understand. I mean it’s their transportation and all but I just really miss my family. In other news Neko is doing very well after having her female parts taken out and her front claws removed. Still as feisty as ever and just the same old happy kitty. I love her so dearly. She is actually laying behind me sleeping…She is so adorable when she sleeps.

About 3 maybe 4 months ago I started playing World of Warcraft. But quickly grew tired of it. I was hacked and couldn’t play for a while and so I had them shut my payment account and have now realized that it wasn’t all that much fun once my friends that were playing with me decided to go elsewhere and not play with me anymore. But oh well I don’t have to pay the monthly fee anymore. I think I am done with MMRPGs for now. (Or whatever they are called) Oh well. I had fun while it lasted. But now it’s over and I am happy I had fun and if I ever want to play again I have the CD and my account is still open. So I can re download it back onto my computer if I so choose…Anyways I am going to go watch tv or some thing I really shouldn’t go to sleep in case I don’t wake up till 2pm or something. So I bid all those who read this a due!

why?

Why are people almost everywhere idiots? I am playing this game on Myspace called Vampires and it's like people on there are really stupid. Ok it's the type of game where you basically fend for yourself except you can also have clan members (people to help you) You can also put people on a list called a hitlist. So other Vampires can take care of bigger Vampires that you can handle. (Who usually attack you first.) Now I started playing this and decided that I would put anyone on the hitlist that attacks me or puts me on the hitlist. But apparently that's not how you play the game. But for some reason there really isn't any wrong or right way to play this game and people keep telling me that's not how you play. I have actually gotten bitched out several times by people I have done this to. And a few of them I have actually ended up putting them in my clan. And what I really hate is when someone who is a sore looser goes and starts leaving rude or "whiny" comments on my profile because they don't like the fact that I hitlist them. I have seriously thought about stop playing because I am tired of people bitching. And oh I love this part when someone actually threatens me because I don't play the way they do. Or they say they are going to "sit" on my profile and continue to hitlist me because I put them on it a few times. And they didn't like it. But they are just all idiots. I wish people would just get over it and realize that it's just a fucking game! I mean come on why fuss over something that isn't real? I just don't get it. But whatever.

Other than that bullshit. Neko is going to get fixed Friday. I just don't think I can really handle another one of her hot flashes. I really don't like seeing her ass in my face. And not to mention I can't handle the fact that she might spray my furniture again if I decide to have a friend spend the night again. It just isn't right and it's not clean. And even though my furniture is already crappy. I don't like the fact that she tears it up either. So she is getting her front claws removed too. I know people keep telling me that I shouldn't but the fact of the matter is that she is never going to be an outside cat again.

I have been gathering a lot of weird information lately like people I know that have STD's now and it's like I don't really want to know that but I'll keep it in mind to never do anything with that person. I found out that this chick I know is dating this guy I really like or used to really like. And I just don't see him and her as the right kind of couple. Or rather they just shouldn't be together and I know some people who read this and say oh she's just jealous. But believe me when I say this I'm not. But I just hope they don't end up hurting each other because then I will have to deal with his grumpiness and I'll have to feel like I have to consol her and I really don't see her as that close of a friend. But oh well. And not to mention he's just not right for her and she's really not right for him. This guy kinda upsets me because of the way he choses to pick girls to go out with. But I guess if he doesn't want to go out with me because he thinks there is something wrong with me then that's his loss I say.

I'm happy that my family has decided to have family game night at my paren'ts house. It's been really fun the last two times we've done it and it always leaves you..Wanting to play more...Lol. My brother actually turned 24 this last Sunday and it happened to be game night. That was fun. I'm really worried about my mom. And I feel selfish because she lost her medical card and I got to keep mine. The state made her take SSDI because she can't work anymore. And since I was approved for SSI before I turned 22 I would draw off her and get SSDI also but she didn't want me to have it if that meant I lost my benefits such as food stamps, rental assistance, and medical card. So she made it where I could still get all of that but they would still give me SSDI. But I still feel selfish because her health problems are way worse than mine. With her back and her being diabetic and all. I just wish there were a way she could keep her medical card and not have to pay for doctor visits. The only way she could have done that was to get a spend down which would mean that she would have to pay like $5,000 every six months. And she couldn't afford that. So she didn't do it. And I don't blame her.

Well I really should be getting to bed. It's almost 4 in the morning. So I bid you adue.

Just a tiny update

Though I don't know why I just feel like typing at the moment. I really wish I had a car. And I won't be able to afford one for a while. So I guess I have to continue riding the bus and every once in a while asking people for a ride. If I had a car I know I would not be held up in my apartment so much. I would be able to go places and not have to depend on other people to give me a ride. Like if I wanted to go to my brother's house I could go and he wouldn't feel obligated to have to take me home at like 1 or 2 in the morning. But on a different note. I am supposed to have a dentist appointment this thursday but I think I am going to have to cancel it again because the young adults are going out to eat and I really want to go. So I guess I will have to reschedule for May.

I have been talking to Issac again. But I'm not going to make the same mistakes I made in the past with him cause I have come to the conclusion that our friendship can never be the way it was in the past. So when he comes up to breakthrough we go out back and smoke and have these long really nice talks that I've really missed. And we have even talked on the phone a few times but I have sworn to myself that I will never let him know where I live cause I don't want him coming over drunk or anything. And I know that he lives not that far from me. Ok maybe he does live a ways from me. He lives on Oliver but way down by Pawnee. But we are strickly going to just hang out at breakthrough.

Lets see what else can I talk about? I believe that my mom is going to help get Neko fixed next month. So I can't wait for that cause I really can't take another month of her being in heat. So I'm going to get her fixed. Cause she did something that really pissed me off the other night when a friend spent the night. She got up on the couch and looked at me and just pissed all over the arm of the couch. And I later learned that she was pissed off at me for letting someone spend the night that she had never met before. But what really confused me was that she was actually really friendly with Tamisha. So I was pissed. She was marking her territory. So I guess whatever. My mom did some research and found out that if I get her fixed she would no longer do that so I can't wait to get her fixed.

Well we are getting ready to go out on an activity to New Market Square so I really need to get off of here. So laters people.

My life sucks!

I wish that I could go and hang out with people that are supposedly my friends. But no instead I always have to fucking be stuck in this prison I call my apartment. I know I go out and do things with breakthrough but that's not really going out and hanging out. I just got a phone call from some people I thought were my friends and they were all at another friends house hanging out and getting drunk. I hate that I have only had like 5 or 6 beers since I turned 21 I thought that when you become 21 you can drink anytime you wanted to. I drank more before I turned 21 and I feel like that is bullshit. It seems to me that I had a lot more fun before I turned 21 like I'm no good anymore or some shit like that. I really hate my life right now. I can't do shit because I don't have a car and I can't afford one. I feel like I will never have any time to hang out with people or people don't want to hang out with me because I don't have a car which means I can't take myself anywhere I am really getting sick and tired of having to rely on my mom or my step mom if I want to go anywhere and I am sure as hell sick and fucking tired of always having to ride the bus like some stupid poor person. I hate the way my life has turned out. I think I see more of my four walls than anyone does and I hate it! I guess I just don't have a life. Nothing interesting ever happens in my life. I cry too damn much and when I complain to my mom about how fucking bored I am she just tells me to go and put myself out there and try to make friends. Well I can't do it. I have been hurt so many times in the past and I really don't want to go and put myself out there and get hurt or used. I just wish that my life amounted to something more than a fucking lazy slum sitting on the couch every night. I just wish that somehow if I can't find anything to do with anyone maybe I should find something to occupy myself with I guess. Maybe find a job at night so I don't have to deal with the world during the day. As it is my sleeping schedule is never right and I'm always up late at night trying to find something do to because I have nothing better to do. And I can't sleep. I am on the computer almost every night so I feel like I have done everything I can think of online. So I have no fucking clue. Sitting or rather laying for me in front of the computer playing games is getting rather old and there is nothing I can do about it cause I never have anything better to do. And I hate it when people I think are my friends call me in the middle of the night and they are having way more fun than I am. Daniel told me he was going to a strip club tonight and I told him that I wish I could go but when I have money no one else does so they can't go I really would like to get to experience going to a fucking strip club just so I could say I've been to one but I really don't see that happening anytime soon. I guess I just wish that I could be doing things other people my age are doing but instead I am locked away in my apartment cause I have no means of doing those things. I have been 21 for almost a year now I'll be 22 in July and still I have not been to a bar. I haven't gone out and hung out with anyone drinking a few beers. I just really fucking hate how boring my life is I guess. But whatever I know it will never change. Just like I know that I will never get married or have kids but that I have already come to terms with. So whatever I guess G'Nite if I can get to sleep. Until the next time I post about my shitty life G'Bye

Just when I thought things couldn't get worse.

A few weeks ago I found out that my Great Aunt was dying. Three days later we had the funeral. I just felt lost and trapped in this world that wasn't mine anymore. We went to the funeral and I just broke down. I felt like that wasn't my family anymore. Like I didn't fit in. I broke down and started crying and it was like the tears would never stop. My brother was a pall bear but the other family didn't let him do his job so that upset him I'm sure. I sat next to my father and grandmother. For the first time in well 21 years I felt loved by my father. When we went to the cemetery I was told by my mother not to expect to get a rose to put on her coffin and I was surprised when my Aunt gave me one. I started to cry more and then I kissed the rose and put it on her coffin. Then I went and kissed my cousin's grave. Afterwards to my surprise my father and his wife offered to take me my brother and his boyfriend out for lunch. I had a good time. My Aunt and Uncle drove in from Virgina or something like that. I hadn't seen either of them or their kids for 10 years. So it was great. But then we had to leave and I really didn't want to.


Then Sunday night I get a text from my step mom saying not to freak out that my mother is in the ER. So about 3-4 hours later I get another text saying that she has been admitted. So I'm starting to freak out. Cause when someone tells me not to freak out I do the exact opposite. I swear and I don't know why. So I had been getting periodic texts from my step mom about her condition then about 6:30 in the morning on Monday I decide that I'm going to go to the gas station down the street and try to get her some flowers to take to her. Well when I got there they tell me they don't sell flowers anymore so they told me to go to the drug store down on Hillside and Central. So I'm like ok. I didn't want to wait another 30 minutes for the bus so I just start walking. From my house on Central and Edgemore to Central and Hillside is a long walk which I later found out is like a mile and a half. So I keep telling myself I can do this. To my surprise I could do it. I left my house at 6:30 and at 7am I was 2 blocks from Hillside. So I was shocked that it had only taken my 30minutes to get there. So when I got to Walgreen's I bought a huge bottle of water and a vase with two roses in it then I had to go across the street to wait for the bus. So then when I got on the bus I rode it down to the street the hospital is on and then walked over from Central which was like 2 or 3 blocks. So now I'm sore. But oh well for my mother I'm sure I would do anything to be with her. Then when I got to the hospital my step mother had told me the wrong room so I got lost then when I found the right room I hugged my mother gently since she was in pain. I felt really helpless seeing her laying in the hospital bet in pain. But I knew there wasn't anything I could really do. So I just sat down and just tried to let her know that I was there for her. I was there from like 8:30 to 2:30 starting to get angry because it seemed like they weren't really doing anything for her. When I left at 2:30 I really didn't want to go. I started crying because I didn't want to leave her there but I was really tired because I'd been up since 2pm on Sunday. So I had to walk back to Central to try to catch the bus. But by the time I had made it to Central I had already missed 3 buses so I was pretty pissed. But then after crossing the street like a half a dozen times I finally decided that whichever bus came first is where I would be going so the one that was going to the bus station came first so I was going to go to Breakthrough. I had to get another bus card. So when I got to the bus station to my painful surprise someone was there that I hate. This chick that beat me up when I took my stuff back from her when we were in states custody. She's the most disgusting person I've ever met but this is not the time or place to discuss how much she makes me want to throw up and cut out my eyes. So anyway I was pissed when she got on the bus I was going to get on and while I was waiting for the bus I could hear her behind me talking to someone about me. Talking trash as usual. So I knew that there was another bus that would take me to Breakthrough so I got on that one instead. I went to Breakthrough and I tried to get a bus card but the person I was talking to said that they didn't have any. So I was like this was a waste of a bus card. But I finally found Bob who runs the snack bar and is in charge of all the bus cards and he gave me one. Then I needed to find someone to take me home because I really didn't feel like walking much more. I talked to a few people about my mom being in the hospital and they told me not to worry so much that they are sure everything will be ok. Well ok so my VR case manager took me home. When I got home I kept fading in and out on the couch. I was laterally running on empty. But then I heard that my brother was going to go see my mom at the hospital and I was like I want to go back so that way I would be there before she went into surgery but about 30 minutes before I was going to have to walk to by brother's work we learned that she was being taken to surgery so my brother didn't get off till 7 so we wouldn't be able to see her before she went in so there really wasn't any reason to go. So I guess I fell asleep for about 30 minutes and I woke up at like 7 and have been up since. I don't know why I am wide awake now. So my mom is out of surgery and recovery and is probably now sleeping. So I'm happy that she is ok. They removed her appendix. I am just so relieved that she is ok. I don't know what I would have done had something went wrong. But if things keep getting better she might be able to eat breakfast this morning and then she might be able to go home later tonight. Which would be great. She hasn't eaten anything cept ice chips that I am aware of since Sunday night so I'm sure she is hungry. She's been on an IV though.

Well other than that not a whole lot has been going on. I got my hair cut and I dyed it black again. It wasn't really the cut I wanted but I think this is way cuter than what I wanted. I think it's a pixie cut but my brother doesn't...Oh well. Tomorrow is St. Patricks day so if everything goes well with my mom I will be dressing up in my green and black outfit and going to Breakthrough. Everyone thinks I look like a leprechaun though. Well yet again it's very late or should I say very early in the morning and I am still awake....I wonder if I could get maybe a few Z's but I doubt it. G'Nite all.

A New Year Already?

Well a new year has come. It seems like it was just yesterday that it was the beginning of 2008. But alas time flies. I started a job and then lost it. I was told that I could work there for 2 weeks as a trial basis and then they would see how I worked out. Well what they didn't know is that it's illegal to have someone work for you and do work related stuff and not pay them. So I thought that I was just going to have to work out something with my Vocational Rehab case manager and just get paid through SRS but I was wrong. The person I was going to be working for had to know that it was illegal. So now I am no longer working there and my VR case manager is supposed to be working out something called a CBJT (Community Based Job Trial) But it's been two weeks. So I guess I won't be getting that job back. Which kind of pisses me off because it was literally right around the corner from where I live and I could just walk to work. The work wasn't all that bad either. I was doing a great job. The person that owns the business also said that I could work for her for 1o hours a week and she would pay me. But I don't know if I should do it. I didn't mind working a 9-2 job. It was fun too.

Well other than that not much has happened really. I don't have that many friends and I feel like no one wants to hang out with me. Not even my brother wants to hang out with me and it makes me feel very unwanted. So I've mostly been held up in my apartment. Wasting away I feel. Watching tv and getting online. And well looking after my cat more than myself. But that doesn't matter. Speaking of my cat, Neko is getting big and she's only 6 months old. She's still adorable.

Back to the subject of a new year. I have decided to see how much weight I can loose in one year. I know that I am not a very big person on excercising but I will just have to find a reason to do it. I have to loose weight because I know that it's my weight that is stoping me from finding love and having friends. Maybe that's the reason no one wants to hang out with me...I have no clue. I find myself crying a lot more because I long for friendship. But I also know I can't make friends if I don't go anywhere. But the problem is that I don't know anywhere where I can go to meet people. It's not like I am made of money and well to be honest I just don't know my way around Wichita anymore. And to be honest I don't think I ever really did. Place to hang out that is. I just don't know what I am going to do about this no friends thing. So I suppose I can just forget about if for now.

I don't really know what else to say so I guess this the end of this entry. Thanks for reading LaChalle. I bid you adu.