So far since the last time.

Well things have been going ok since the last time I blogged I guess. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and it didn't go as well as I had planed. I just wanted to go in and get my deporovera shot and they wanted to do a full exam on me and I just really wasn't prepared for that so I talked my way out of it after being in the exam room for about an hour. It sucks when you are so used to going to your regular doctor then you find out that you can't go to that doctor anymore because of your stupid insurance. So I have to schedule an exam for sometime in February when I get my next shot. I started crying in the exam room when the doctor wasn't in there because I just hate change. It's wrong to a certain exstent but sometimes it could be for the best and I do know that. So hopefully I will be better prepared for the next appointment I just hope that I don't have to go there between now and then. It's scary to be in a place that I'd never gone to before and having to meet new people that I've never met before and I have to trust that with my life in their hands they will know what to do is something bad happens. I just hope that they can get my entire medical records from my old doctor and know what I've delt with in the past. But enough about that.

My brother came back on Monday night and last night was the first time I'd seen him since he returned home. It was really great to see him because I'd missed him. And he told me that even though his family had taken him out to eat the entire time that he was there he was suprised to find out that he had actually lost a few pounds. He says it's because he wasn't drinking tea like he was before he left. But if you drink tea it makes you pee so I don't understand how not drinking it makes you loose weight. But that's what he said caused him to loose the weight. Hm maybe I should drink a lot of tea and then stop for about a month and see if his weird method works. Lol

Anyways I've been a bit depressed and I think it's because I've been steadily growing lonelier over the past 2 years. Or maybe it's because I went to the doctor yesterday and saw all these pregnant women and women with babies it made me sad because I want so bad to be able to give my mom a grandchild and at the rate that things are going in my life it doesn't look like I'll be able to do that for her. And I don't think my brother's can do that unless they adopt. I am just so worried that she's going to get old and never have the pleasure of having grandchildren. I don't know and I think my grandparents would love to have a great grandchild. But I don't know. And I was talking to a friend about how I am lonely and he kept saying I should love myself before anyone else can love me. But it's kind of impossible to love myself when I am very unhappy with the way I look. My boobs are uneven to the max like I have one D and one C cup size and it drives me nuts. My mom actually suggested today that I buy a bra in both sizes and cut them in half and make a custom bra. I was like that would be even more noticable after I did that then now. I would probably look stupid and feel foulish. Plus I would only be able to get one bra out of doing that. I just wish I could get plastic surgery to make them even. And I would have no problem with them just fixing the C so I could have somewhat even D's. Another thing that is upsetting me is my body. No matter how much I try exercising and dieting it doesn't work. And then I get upset when I actually gain weight. It sucks having a body I can't control.

Well nothing else has really gone on so I guess I should try to go to bed now. Neko is already there waiting for me. So G'Nite or should I say G'Morning because it's 3am. At any rate G'Bye.