This is my life.

I know it's been been months since I have written on this thing last but I figured given recent events in my life I needed to write shit down. I'm not even sure when the last time I wrote on this damn thing. But perhaps writing it down will show me what I have done and where I have gone wrong. First off after what seemed like maybe the third longest relationship I'd been I am no longer with Tyler. After 7 or so months he and I simply grew apart. He started college and I slowly became more important on WoW. (World of Warcraft) Which in the end I guess caused us to grow farther apart. Then shortly after he dumped me and I had started flirting with a guy named Daniel. We RP'd (Role Played) a lot. And well as he and I became closer we fell in love. Though I knew he was under 18 I told him that I would wait for him. And we considered ourselves together. But I'd wait for 2 years before it was actually official. He got me into PvP which in Wow is Player vs Player. Then after a short time of knowing him and talking to him on the phone constantly all night and most of the day. He started school again. He was 17 just so you people don't think I'm a perv. Love is love but I know it was wrong I see that now. He quickly became stressed with school and ROTC And he became less and less involved with WoW. So I barely got to talk to him. Then after sometime of no contact I soon found out the reason he'd been so distant. He had realized that there was a girl in his ROTC class that he liked and she liked him. So after telling me our relationship was ok for the time being I decided to just back off and let him be happy. In my mind his happiness was all that mattered and I know he's still young. And to be honest with him starting school I knew it was a possibility. So I gave him his space and I barely talk to him to this day. But its ok. I guess it's whatever.

But in the mean time he was distant I began to realize that I like one of my friends. His name is Kody and he lives in New York. He's 20 years old. And I have known him for like 3 months. We came to realize that we really liked each other. And we have fallen in love. It was almost like we had known each other longer and it was like it was supposed to happen. On the other hand I have another guy in Virgina that likes me and his name is Matt. He's 22 years old. But I don't know how I feel about him. He says he's in love with me. But I don't know how much longer he's going to be friends with me. He can be a bit clingy at times. Oh and get this there is another guy in California that I kinda like and his name is Jonathan. He says he likes me too. But he has a fiance, I constantly feel like I'm second. Which is understandable but I really don't like the bitch he's engaged to. She cheated on him with her ex and then her ex rubbed it in Jonathan's face. But I don't understand why he's still with her. He even told me he loved me. I never said it till he said it. Though I have been friends with him for close to 4 months. And we always flirted. He said that he would moved to Wichita to be with me. But I am not holding my breath on the whole situation. I really like Kody, More that the rest and I want to be with him. Though I don't understand why Jonathan called me after he'd just been shot. Like he wanted me to be the last person he talked to if he died or something. I was scared I was going to lose a great friend.

And to add to this whole mess a friend of mine for close to 8 months whose name is Dan Smith that lives in New Zealand quit wow. He promised me that we would keep in contact using Skype. And we did for like a month after he quit. But about 2 weeks ago I noticed he just wasn't getting on anymore. And I think he either removed me from his friend's list or something is wrong. I just hope I didn't do anything wrong. I mean I have no clue what's so ever what I would have done wrong. This guy sent me a copy of his book. Like no one else has gotten to see it but me. Because I'm a writer too. And he wanted my opinion and well now I don't know if I'll ever get to give it to him when I finish reading it. He'd make video calls to me and we'd talk for hours on end. About random stuff. He even played his guitar for me on one of the video calls. I just hope that nothing bad has happened to him. He will be greatly missed.

Even with all this people liking me and all you'd think I'd be happy. Well I'm not. I still cry myself to sleep at night. But I think I have realized that Kody might actually be the one. But I know that I have said that in the past. I really believe he's the one. He wants nothing more than for me to be happy. And I want the same for him. He wants to give me a child and have a life with me. He wants to be with me because I am me. I just hate the fact that he lives in New York. Why are all the good ones so far away? That's the only bad thing I can think about with him. I guess other than that he's like the right guy for me in every way. He loves me for me. I just wish he were here because I feel so alone sometimes. I am just getting tired of being in this stupid town with no one. And I just want to be held by Kody. I don't know maybe I'm being weird. But isn't true love supposed to feel something like this? I don't really know because I have only felt it like once and that was so long ago. And even then it was cruelly stolen from me.

On to other news the one person I ever did think I liked that lives near me is now with the one person I'd never wish to see him with. I told him how I felt but I guess it doesn't really matter now. So I guess I have no other choice but to stay out of it and let it go. I mean I have Kody now. I'm happy but I just don't think...Nevermind I guess it doesn't matter what I think. I'm happy I guess if he's happy then let it be. Anyways...I have been depressed lately though sometimes I don't know why even though I have people saying the want to be with me and that they love me I still feel so alone. But I guess that's just because that's how long distant relationships work. You know they are there yet you can't feel them or hold them. I love Kody that's all I have to say. Blah I don't know what else to say. So I think I'm going to end this and go to bed. Good Nite and Blessed Be.

Raven

I really don't know anymore..

A lot has happened since I blogged last...And I'm starting to wonder if I know anything anymore..Nothing has been going right...It all started almost a month and half ago...I thought I was going to be happy and everything was going to work out..But I started dating this guy I have known for 4 years..And well he was my best friend's ex. And so in spite of me trying to be happy I lost her. And was happy for about a month...Then things really started going down hill. He and I started to not get along..All he wanted to do was drink and use drugs..And I was getting depressed because I missed my best friend. And I thought that I had done something wrong because the relationship between he and I didn't work out the way we had hoped. I lost him and then I got my best friend back but things aren't the same between her and I and I really don't think the ever will be.. Even though we decided to make a pact that we would never date each other's exes. But I still feel like some of that trust and closeness is gone. And I really think it's all my fault.

I don't talk to Jonny much these days and it saddens me..But I guess I'll just have to get over the fact that friendships are built and lost everyday..It sucks though. I got my tattoo that I have been wanting for a really long time..It looks great. I finally got to meet Jonny's friend Jodi. We have hung out a few times. I even helped her run her booth yesterday at the Ren fair here in town. But that didn't go the way I thought it would..Well I mean don't get me wrong I had a lot of fun! But about an hour before we were supposed to close up for the day we got rained out..And well I got sick from it..Not to mention my monthly "gift" has been getting worse since I got off the depo. Flowing heavier every time and the cramps are getting worse.. Thankfully it's only lasting for a few days each time but it just sucks really bad. And so I couldn't go work the Ren fair today because I can barely move. Isaac and I had been hanging out for a while and we were having a lot of fun till one night we got into a fight and I got really stupid and cut myself because I thought our friendship was over..And I'm still thinking it is because he doesn't talk to me as much as he did before that night. It sucks and I feel really stupid because I slipped up and cut myself again. I was proud of myself for not doing it for something like 5 years. But I'm fine now..Well I wouldn't call it fine but oh well..I'll get over it. I just feel like my life is going down hill but I guess that's the depression talking. I lost my case management because I didn't take meds, have a therapist, or go to a psychiatrist. But even though I see that as a major improvement people say they think I need to go to therapist because of the depression. But it's something I always get over..I'll live I always do.

So after the night of my stupidity I decided to start writing again because that's the only thing that ever kept me from doing stupid things. So I'm writing a story about a role playing story a friend of mine and I are doing. It's really good. It's about a Kitsune and her Demonic Master. It's awesome..He and I have been doing this for a long time but just recently started doing it again about a year ago. Everything else in my life I suppose is going ok..My parent's are fine..They actually went camping for the first time this year this weekend..And I'm at their house right now..Dog sitting for them since yesterday. They should be home in about 2 hours or less. I think I might actually be ready to go home and just lay in my bed and play wow. Speaking of wow. I now have a lvl 79 Blood Elf Death Knight. And hopefully in the next few days I'll have my first 80. This is the only character I have gotten to lvl 80..It's weird. The other highest character I have is a lvl 72 Undead Warlock. But I think I do better with characters that aren't spell casters.. lol Plus I had a really kick ass guild to help me get this far.. But sadly the guild is starting to fall apart. But I still have some really cool friends on there. Even though some of them are starting to not be able to afford the monthly payment to be able to play. But oh well the show must go on...lol

I recently found out that my father and my step mother are getting a divorce and that he is no longer living in his house. He moved back in with my grandparents. He's trying to get disability. He's doing somewhat better since he was in the hospital. But he's still pretty sick. Diabetes is a bitch. I have been trying well not trying but I have been loosing weight to try to make sure I don't get it...My mom has it, My dad has it, My grandpa has it, and now my brother has it. I really hope that it skipped me. Cause I don't want to have to worry about all that. It's bad enough that my body produces too much insulin and one day it could stop making it all together. I really hope that doesn't happen before I die..It's no laughing matter and I hate having to see my family members go through it. But it's life. Some things happen whether we want them to or not. I lost a lot of weight so far. And I hope I can keep loosing. I want to get back down to where I was when I got out of states custody but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon but I'm working on it. I don't eat as much as I used to and can barely eat the full portions as I used to. Of course I'm hungry more often but oh well sometimes I don't even eat when my body is telling me it's hungry but that's because those are left over cravings. And I'm trying to not give in. I have been walking a lot and that helps. I have lost an entire dress size and the clothes that my mom gave me and the new jeans I just bought are starting to get loose...But I'm not going to go buy new clothes every time I loose more weight. Hopefully I can reach a set weight and keep it there. Or loose more than a set weight. Idk. I am just tired of being fat and alone. lol as shitty as that sounds it's the way I feel..I feel that the only reason I'm alone is because people see me and say oh she's just another fat girl starved for attention. When all reality they should just get over appearances and look at me for who I really am. Most people don't take the time to get to know be because of my weight and I know it. That's why I isolate most of the time. Because I just don't want to go through that rejection. I have had enough of it in my lifetime so far and I hate it. But oh well people are just idiots and I hate most of them. But that's just me. Anyways I think I have ranted enough and blah blah blahed enough so I'm going to say that's that. Till next time blogger..I bid you a due.

Update for the new year 2010

Hey peoples what's up. Omg it's a new year. And with a new year comes with new things to experience and new things to try. So far not a whole lot has changed. Except I met an amazing new guy. Not like that people. He's and awesome guy and he's a new friend. He's going to help me become a better person. His name is Jonny. He's like me in a way and I'm glad I met him. It was almost like it was supposed to happen in a way. Lol

Neko is still fat and as happy as ever. She will be 2 years old in August. And I still lover her dearly. I think for this year I am going to try to be happier with myself and try to put myself out there a little bit more than I have been. Try to get out there and explore the world. Valentines day is coming up and once again I know I am going to be alone but I will just have to deal with it. I always have and always will I guess. I was thinking about going to school to be a phlebotomist but I am not sure that is going to happen now. I think I might be wanting to get a job but not sure that's going to happen either. Even though I am garenteeed a position at Dilions. My step mother knows the manager and she said she would help me get a job there. But I am not sure when that is going to happen. I already put in my application and all that so all I need to do now is get ready for it.

Breakthrough is going to be having a dance on the 10th for Valentine's day and I think this year I'll be attending in all Black because I am starting to get tired of it. So I am protesting this year. Lol Ok I have been protesting that day for almost my entire life. The only person who has ever gotten me anything for that day is my mom and step mom. And they don't even do that anymore but oh well they can't do it anymore...I really wish that in a year or two I can finally get to celebrate it with someone I care about. On the 10th I might be getting to spend that day with Jonny. Hopefully he'll come to the dance.

Damn I think I ran out of things to talk about. But oh well it's ok I'll just go for now then. So I will hopefully talk to you people later.

>.<

Ok I am not even sure people read this damn thing anymore but I feel the need to type so I guess I will type here. First off things aren't really going the way I want them in life. I had a really bad scare with my father and it was very nerve racking! He was sent to the hospital because his body was dangerously retaining water and it was pooling around his heart and lungs. So he's been in the hospital for almost a month now. Then there was the drama that happened when we went to go see him....He's in Joplin MO. So we had to drive a long while to get there and since all 5 of us went we had to rent a van. Saturday will be our 3rd visit. When the medivaced him they had to put him on a ventalator and so he had that in for a while. Then they took that out and put in a trache. He coughed both up and since the trache was put in via surgory they had to put him back into the ER to put it back in but the DR. said he is doing a lot better now. And they say that he might be able to go home soon. If he continues to do well. Which I don't think that will be a problem. They are thinking about putting him in his own room soon. But all the bull shit that went on the last time I am glad my aunt is no longer there because she was acting all power hungry! And it drove people insane. But needless to say I am just really happy that he is doing so much better.

But in other news I am back to being a lone again...Well wait what am I saying? I have been alone for the past 2 years...I feel as though it's going to be permanant but people keep telling me that I am just being rediculous for thinking that...And I am really getting tired of hearing that..I have come to the terrorfying fact that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life so I am going to stop saying that I have realized it so people will stop telling me I am be rediculous. I am pathetic in a way because there is this guy that I have liked for the past 3 years and I know he will never go out with me but I keep putting myself in the position to get angry when I get jealous because some other girl is hanging all over here. I really just need to face the fact that he and no one else will ever want me! As painful as it is I have to face that reality! I hardly have any friends and that is something else I need to realize will never change. I have very few and I guess that's all I deserve.....Speaking of deserving I feel like somehow I am being punished for doing something I have no clue what...That I am being punished so I will never find love...Hell if I know...I am really getting tired of people saying that I have to love myself first also...Because what the fuck do I have to do marry myself then wait and see if a guy comes along? I like myself just the way I am and I don't see what else I can do to change that. I don't know how else to love myself. I have confindence I just don't know what the hell to do with it...It still won't matter I'll still be alone....Forever and always I guess....*sigh* I really don't know what else to say really I guess I am just "sitting on my pitty potty" as my mother would put it I suppose....I guess in the sum of things I could just say my life sucks...And there is nothing I can do about it...Well I guess I am done now...I have nothing else to complain about cept my life and well I've done that now...So G'Bye


~Raven~

I hate my life

I am really hating my life right now. I wish I had more friends. The ones I have seem to only be my friends at breakthrough. No one wants to hang out with me out side breakthrough. And what is the point of having a brother if he hardly ever wants to hang out with me? I have two friends with cars and they never want to hang out with me. And the other two don't have cars. One only wants me to go to her house cause she has a kid and can't do much more. One just doesn't want to hang out with me at all it seems. I go to my parent's house only on the weekends it feels and they are always too tired or don't want to go anywhere. Three of my four friends tell me we should all hang out and it never happens. The normal 22 year old is out having fun and parting on a friday night and as usual I am always stuck at home staring at my walls or the tv. I am 22 years old and I have never been to a party. I have only been to a club once and it sucked cause all I did was sit and watch the people I was with have fun dancing and I couldn't even drink at the time. I have never been to a bar and I just think my life sucks because I drank more and had more fun before I turned 21. I know that drinking isn't everything but having fun once in a while would be nice. When I do get to hang out with my brothers it always makes me feel like I'm a burden cause then they have to drive me almost across town just to take me home. I wish I could just get a job and work all the time since I clearly don't have time to do anything else. But I am either too stupid or too lazy to get a job and keep it. No one wants to hire me cause I don't have either transportation or enough experience. I hate the fact that I can only do stuff during the day and even then I don't want to do anything cause I am tired of doing things on my own. My mom thinks I need to go back to theripy because I'm always feeling sorry for myself. Well it won't work and I know it because when I went before it never worked. What is benificial about sitting on a couch letting someone else listen to my problems? I mean the advice they give isn't always helpful. And I am sick and tired of my mom telling me I am just feeling sorry for myself when I am just depressed! And there is no way I am going back on anti-depressants because they just made almost zombie like and I hated it cause you never get to feel anything. Except false happiness. Which isn't all that healthy. I have been alone for 2 years now and I am really starting to feel that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life because no one wants to have anything to do with me. I just don't know what is wrong with me. People keep telling me that I am pretty and that I will meet someone but I know that is all just bullshit. I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is a fat ugly bitch staring back. I can't seem to do anything to change it. I will never loose weight because excersize doesn't help. Eating healthy doesn't help and even if I were to loose weight I would still have really big hands and feet and really broad shoulders. Then I will just look even more stupid. And no one will help me. I want the gastric bypass surgeory but I doubt that will ever happen. People tell me I am intimidating because I'm taller than most girls and I hate it. I just want to be normal whatever normal is. I'm tired of being alone!

So....It's 5am again.

It's 5am yet again and here I am still awake. No surprise I'm sure. I can't think of anything else to do and since I haven't blogged since the 11th I thought maybe I could give those of you who actually read this an update on my life. I turned 22 on the 22nd of this month and I must say that I really don't feel any different which is probably normal. I recently went to renew my drivers license and with the help of my parents I passed the renewal test and got my new drivers license. I must say even though the picture on it looks horrible it certainly looks better than the one I took when I was 17. Even the person that took my picture agreed. She even said that I had lost some weight since then. Which I am glad that I had since that was 5 years ago in April. Although I still really don't see the point in renewing it since no one has let me drive since 2005, But the point still remains well pointless if you ask me. But my mother forced me to get it saying "It's better to have it than not" Plus she wanted me to renew it before my birthday that way I wouldn't have to retake the driving part which in my mind probably wouldn't have been all that bad then I could have refreshed my memory and then still known how to drive. I am not saying I don't know how to drive it's just I haven't had that much experience behind the wheel of a car thanks to my parents who said they would continue to teach me by letting me drive but never the less they did not keep that promise but oh well it's all in the past now and seeing as I am never going to be able to afford a car I really don't see the point in talking about something that is pointless to begin with. So I guess that when my mother says drop the subject I have no other choice but to drop it. So ok consider the topic dropped. I have to face the fact that no one is ever going to get me a car and I will never be able to afford a car. And seeing as I don't really have the kind of family to just leave me a car none the less give me a car for no reason that subject can be dropped as well I'm sure. On to other things. I decided to treat myself with some things that I have been wanting for a while and chose to buy them online. Two of the four different packages have been delivered however I had to reorder the two shirts that I bought because they did not fit me. But they should be on their way soon. The other two I'm afraid won't make it cause it's been 3 weeks since I have ordered them and it took them almost 2 weeks to take the money out of my account and then finally they said that they would be shipped. But it concerns me because I have never ordered from the two sites (owned by the same company I might add.) But if they do not come soon I am going to have to call them and I really want to tell them that they should give their customers some way of tracking their orders because then their customers (such as myself) Would be in some sort of ease that their packages are going to actually arrive instead of thinking that they have been ripped off because the site has taken their money and given them no way to track their orders. But that's just me and I suppose I am a bit paranoid. I don't know if I have mentioned this in any of my previous posts but I am trying to go back to school to become a phlebotomist. And to be able to do so I have to pass a test called the compass test. Which includes Reading Writing and Math. I have taken this test 2 times so far and I have failed the math part both times. Math was never really my strong suit and well lets be honest I never really did that well in high school and seeing as I was never actually taught algebra it is all still so very strange to me. Therefore that is why I think I am having a huge problem with the test. I did very well on the writtig part the first time which comes to no surprise since I am a writer but the reading only got me because it was a test where you have to read several paragraphs and then answer a series of questions. I guess the reason I didn't pass that was was because I was getting impatient and was tired of sitting in an uncomfortable chair at a very cramped desk with no room to stretch out and well get comfortable. I am glad that school wasn't like that or I would have never gone. Yes granted I hardly ever went as it was but I still managed to pass. I have my diploma on the wall as prof of that. Lol So back to the reason I brought up the test. I was having problems with the math. So I decided that in order for me to pass it I needed the tutoring I thought I was giving myself. And wow were my eyes opened up! Let me tell you, from the 10 or so minutes I was able to get in on Tuesday I learned some things that I didn't think could be done on a calculator!!! I was all like you can really do that?! And omg I didn't know that! It's amazing what you can learn when someone actually takes the time to show you what can be learned. So I am going back today in fact to get a little more tutoring and then take the test and hopefully pass the damn thing. I'm sure I will be able to if I know how to use the scientific calculator. But then again I really don't know what I will need math for in phlebotomy but if they say I need it I will do it. Lol Who really needs math anyways..Sometimes I think who ever invented 2+2 should be shot but then again people wouldn't know how to give you your change back. But....Then again what are computers for..Lol I don't really know what else to talk about. I guess I could talk about how I think I may have become paranoid. But that should just be kept locked away in my mind. However my mom said that sometimes people with bi polar disorder can sometimes develop paranoia. So maybe. She said that if I were checked out today now that I am an adult that I might have it. Since people under 18 can't have it which is weird you either have it or you don't but they ruled it out when I was younger so who knows I might have it now. I don't even think I have my depression problem anymore but I doubt that goes away with age. But then again maybe I do since I am still very anti-social. But oh well it's not like that really matters. Well since I have run out of things to talk about I guess I should bid my a dues and then just click post. So I bid my few non existent readers a due and I am clicking post now...Bye..Lol

Update

Hello again to those who actually read this thing. Well I just thought that since I haven’t given an update for quit some time perhaps I should.

I spent my 4th of July weekend at the Winfield Lake camping with my family. It was nice till it started to rain and everyone’s tents got flooded. But other than that I had a good time…Yea I wanted to go home after the rain the next morning at first but I decided that since no one was going to drive me all the way back to Wichita I was stuck and should make the best of it. I got a little sun burnt but thankfully it didn’t stick. And I am now alright. We are actually thinking about going camping one more time this summer or what is left of it anyway. I can’t wait I know it will be fun. We are actually considering going to Lake Afton or maybe the one in El Dorado or something I don’t know what my parents have decided yet. I know that there was also talking about inviting my step mother’s parents but I am not a %100 sure about that…I mean they are old and not much fun…Sorry…But that’s how I feel and you know it (Talking to the step mother)

Onto more important things…Lol I mean I am turning 22 in a few short weeks…On the 22nd to be exact. I don’t really know what is going to happen.. I wanted to go see the new Harry Potter movie for my birthday but seeing as my parents aren’t into that sort of thing I will more than likely be going with my brothers only. They want to see it too. In my own celebration for myself I did something I have never done before…Well without the help of my parents and all that. I treated myself to some things I have been wanting for a long time. I ordered some things online. I can’t wait till they get here. I ordered from two different sites from the same company. Lol I got this cute little gothic purse and a quill and some ink. And I finally got the pentacle I wanted. But there was this other pendant that I wanted but I didn’t want to spend all my money. I can get it another time I’m sure. It was this really nice rose pendant. I have been searching for that rose pendant for quite some time. I saw it in a picture and have wanted it ever since and now I know where I can get it I am sure I will get it eventually.

One thing I am hoping to do around my birthday is go see my family. I just don’t think it’s fair that my parent’s get to go see my step mom’s parents once a month and I have to wait a long time before I can go see my family but that’s ok I understand. I mean it’s their transportation and all but I just really miss my family. In other news Neko is doing very well after having her female parts taken out and her front claws removed. Still as feisty as ever and just the same old happy kitty. I love her so dearly. She is actually laying behind me sleeping…She is so adorable when she sleeps.

About 3 maybe 4 months ago I started playing World of Warcraft. But quickly grew tired of it. I was hacked and couldn’t play for a while and so I had them shut my payment account and have now realized that it wasn’t all that much fun once my friends that were playing with me decided to go elsewhere and not play with me anymore. But oh well I don’t have to pay the monthly fee anymore. I think I am done with MMRPGs for now. (Or whatever they are called) Oh well. I had fun while it lasted. But now it’s over and I am happy I had fun and if I ever want to play again I have the CD and my account is still open. So I can re download it back onto my computer if I so choose…Anyways I am going to go watch tv or some thing I really shouldn’t go to sleep in case I don’t wake up till 2pm or something. So I bid all those who read this a due!